Life of Brian (1979) A satirical film by Monty Python about a man who is born at the same time as Jesus, and whose life parallels his.

For more of Monty Python, see also: Monty Python's Flying Circus, Monty Python and the Holy Grail, and Monty Python's the Meaning of Life

• The Nativity Scene.
  A stable in Bethlehem, a baby lies in a manger, his mother (Mandy) is startled by a noise as three camels show up outside:
  

Mandy: Aaaagh! Who are you?
Wise Men: We are three wise men.
Wise Men: We are astrologers. We have come from the East.
Mandy: Is this some kind of joke?
Wise Men: We wish to praise the infant.
Wise Men: We must pay homage to him.
Mandy: Homage? You're drunk, it's disgusting!
Wise Men: We were led by a star.
Mandy: Led by a bottle, more like. Get out!
Wise Men: We must see him. We have brought gifts.
Mandy: Out!
Wise Men: Gold, frankincense, myrrh!
Mandy: Well, why didn't you say? He's over here ...

(later) Mandy So, you're astrologers, eh? Well, what is he?
Wise Men: Hmm?
Mandy: What star sign is he?
Wise Men: Capricorn.
Mandy: Capricorn eh, what are they like?
Wise Men: He is the son of God, our Messiah.
Wise Men: King of the Jews.
Mandy: And that's Capricorn, is it?
WM3: No, no, that's just him.
Mandy: Oh, I was going to say, otherwise there'd be a lot of them.

• "But apart from the sanitation, the medicine, education, wine, public order, irrigation, roads, the fresh-water system and public health, what have the Romans ever done for us?"

• "Nobody is to stone anybody until I blow this whistle. Even, and I want to make this absolutely clear, even if they do say Jehovah." [Speaker is stoned]

• "I say you are, lord, and I should know... I've followed a few."

• "Now you listen here! He's not the Messiah! He's a very naughty boy! Now go away!"

• "Crucifixion? Good. Out of the door, line on the left, one cross each"

• [Blind man]: "It's a miracle! Before I was blind but now I can see!" [Falls into a hole]

• "There's no Messiah in here. There's a mess all right, but no messiah."

• [Brian, to a crowd:] "You are all individuals!"
  [Crowd] "YES YES WE ARE ALL INDIVIDUALS!"
  [Brian:] "You are all different."
  [Crowd] "YES WE ARE ALL DIFFERENT"
  [Lone voice in the crowd:] "I'm not."
  [Person next to him]: "SHH!"

• The Ex-Leper
  

EX-LEPER: Spare a talent for an old ex-leper.
BRIAN: Did you say... 'ex-leper'?
EX-LEPER: That's right, sir. Sixteen years behind the bell, and proud of it, sir.
BRIAN: Well, what happened?
EX-LEPER: I was cured, sir.
BRIAN: Cured?
EX-LEPER: Yes, sir, a bloody miracle, sir. God bless you.
BRIAN: Who cured you?
EX-LEPER: Jesus did, sir. I was hopping along, minding my own business. All of a sudden, up he comes. Cures me. One minute I'm a leper with a trade, next minute my livelihood's gone. Not so much as a by your leave. 'You're cured mate.' Bloody do-gooder.
BRIAN: Well, why don't you go and tell him you want to be a leper again?
EX-LEPER: Ah, yeah. I could do that, sir. Yeah. Yeah, I could do that, I suppose. What I was thinking was, I was going to ask him if he could make me a bit lame in one leg during the middle of the week. You know, something beggable, but not leprosy, which is a pain in the arse, to be blunt. Excuse my French, sir,

• "I'm Brian, and so is my wife!"

• "Anybody here who does not want to be crucified, raise their hand now...that's what I thought." [Everybody is crucified so nobody can raise their hand.]

• "Always look on the bright side of life."

• "Always look on bright side of death, just before you draw your terminal breath."

• Loretta

REG: Furthermore, it is the birthright of every man--
STAN: Or woman.
REG:Why don't you shut up about women, Stan. You're putting us off.
STAN: Women have a perfect right to play a part in our movement, Reg.
FRANCIS: Why are you always on about women, Stan?
STAN: I want to be one.
STAN: I want to be a woman. From now on, I want you all to call me 'Loretta'.
LORETTA: It's my right as a man.
JUDITH: Well, why do you want to be Loretta, Stan?
LORETTA: I want to have babies.
REG: You want to have babies?!
LORETTA: It's every man's right to have babies if he wants them.
REG: But... you can't have babies.
LORETTA: Don't you oppress me.
REG: I'm not oppressing you, Stan. You haven't got a womb! Where's the foetus going to gestate?! You gonna keep it in a box?!
LORETTA starts to cry
JUDITH: Here! I-- I've got an idea. Suppose you agree that he can't actually have babies, not having a womb, which is nobody's fault, not even the Romans', but that he can have the right to have babies.
FRANCIS: Good idea, Judith. We shall fight the oppressors for your right to have babies, brother. Sister. Sorry.
REG: What's the point of fighting for his right to have babies when he can't have babies?!
FRANCIS: It is symbolic of our struggle against oppression.
REG: It's symbolic of his struggle against reality.

• "He has given us... His shoe!"

• "I think it was 'Blessed are the cheesemakers.'"
  "Ahh, what's so special about the cheesemakers?"
  "Well, obviously, this is not meant to be taken literally. It refers to any manufacturers of dairy products."

• Brian: I'm not the Messiah! Will you please listen? I am not the Messiah, do you understand? Honestly!
  Woman: Only the true Messiah denies His divinity!
  Brian: What?! Well, what sort of chance does that give me? All right! I am the Messiah!
  Followers: He is! He is the Messiah!
  Brian: Now, fuck off!
  [silence]
  Arthur: How shall we fuck off, o Lord?
  Brian: Oh, just go away! Leave me alone.

• (Brian is writing graffiti on the palace wall. The Centurion catches him in the act)
  Centurion : What's this, then? "Romanes eunt domus"? People called Romanes, they go, the house?
  Brian : It says, "Romans go home. "
  Centurion : No it doesn't ! What's the latin for "Roman"? Come on, come on !
  Brian : Er, "Romanus"!
  Centurion : Goes like?
  Brian : Annus.
  Centurion : Vocative plural of "Annus" is?
  Brian : Er, er, annus, anni, anno, annum, anno, anni... "Romani"!
  Centurion : (Writes "Romani" over Brian's graffiti) "Eunt"? What is "eunt"? Conjugate the verb, "to go" !
  Brian : Er, "Ire". Er, "eo", "is", "it", "imus", "itis", "eunt".
  Centurion : So, "eunt" is... ?
  Brian : Third person plural present indicative, "they go".
  Centurion : But, "Romans, go home" is an order. So you must use... ?
  (He twists Brian's ear)
  Brian : Aaagh ! The imperative !
  Centurion : Which is... ?
  Brian : Aaaagh ! Er, er, "i" !
  Centurion : How many Romans?
  Brian : Aaaaagh ! Plural, plural, er, "ite" !
  Centurion : (Writes "ite") "Domus"? Nominative? "Go home" is motion towards, isn't it?
  Brian : Dative !
  (the Centurion holds a sword to his throat)
  Brian : Aaagh ! Not the dative, not the dative ! Er, er, accusative, "ad domum" !
  Centurion : But "Domus" takes the locative, which is... ?
  Brian : Er, "Domum" !
  Centurion : (Writes "Domum") Understand? Now, write it out a hundred times.
  Brian : Yes sir. Thank you, sir. Hail Caesar, sir.
  Centurion : Hail Caesar ! And if it's not done by sunrise, I'll cut your balls off.

• Reg: The only people we hate more than the Romans are the fucking Judean People's Front.
  Stan: Yeah the Judean People's Front.
  Reg: Yeah.
  Stan: And the Popular Front of Judea.
  Reg: Yeah.
  Stan: And the People's Front of Judea.
  Reg: Yea...what?
  Stan: The People's Front of Judea.
  Reg: We're the People's Front of Judea!
  Stan: I thought we were the Popular Front.
  Reg: People's Front!
  Francis: What ever happened to the Popular Front?
  Reg: He's over there. (points to a lone man)
  Reg, Stan, Francis, and Judith: SPLITTER!

• Brian: Are you the Judean People's Front?
  Reg: Fuck off!...we're the People's Front of Judea

• Pontius Pilate: Whom shall you have me welease?
  Crowd: Welease Wodger!

• Pontius Pilate: I have a fwiend called Biggus Dickus!

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