Dorothy Parker (1893 – 1967) was an American poet and cynic.

Dorothy "Dottie" Parker was a fixture of 1920s literary society. Known for her acerbic wit and low opinion of romantic relationships, she became a member of the infamous Algonquin Round Table. She started her career writing product notes for advertisements and then began writing literary and theatrical critiques. Her poetry and short stories have been published countless times over, and she is also the author of several stage and screenplays.

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Table of contents

1 Verified 2 Attributed 3 Commonly misattributed

Verified

• "Oh life is a glorious cycle of song,
  A medley of extemporanea,
  And love is a thing that can never go wrong,
  And I am Marie of Roumania ."
  • "Comment"

• "Some men tear your heart in two,
  Some men flirt and flatter,
  Some men never look at you,
  And that clears up the matter."
  • "Experience"

• Men seldom make passes
  At girls who wear glasses.
  • "News Item"

• Whose love is given over-well
  Will look on Helen's face in Hell;
  While they whose love is thin and wise
  May view John Knox in Paradise.
  • "Partial Comfort"

• I am sister to the rain;
  Fey and sudden and unholy,
  Petulant at the windowpane,
  Quickly lost, remembered slowly.
  • "Rainy Night"

• Razors pain you,
  Rivers are damp,
  Acids stain you,
  And drugs cause cramp.
  Guns aren't lawful,
  Nooses give,
  Gas smells awful.
  You might as well live.
  • "Résumé"

• By the time you swear you're his,
  Shivering and sighing,
  And he vows his passion is
  Infinite, undying,
  Lady, make a note of this -
  One of you is lying.
  • "Unfortunate Coincidence"

• I'm never going to accomplish anything; that's perfectly clear to me. I'm never going to be famous. My name will never be writ large on the roster of Those Who Do Things. I don't do anything. Not one single thing. I used to bite my nails, but I don't even do that any more.
  • "The Little Hours"

• And I'll stay away from Verlaine, too; he was always chasing Rimbauds.
  • "The Little Hours"

• Well, Aimee Semple McPherson has written a book. And were you to call it a little peach, you would not be so much as scratching its surface. It is the story of her life, and it is called In the Service of the King, which title is perhaps a bit dangerously suggestive of a romantic novel. It may be that this autobiography is set down in sincerity, frankness and simple effort. It may be, too, that the Statue of Liberty is situated in Lake Ontario.
  • "Our Lady of the Loudspeaker"

• She had all the poise of the Sphinx and none of the mystery*

Attributed

• "I wish I could drink like a lady / I can take one or two at the most / Three and I'm under the table / Four and I'm under the host"

• "Brevity is the soul of lingerie."

• "She delivered a striking performance that ran the gamut of emotions, from A to B." (Review of Katharine Hepburn in the Broadway play, "The Lake".)

• "Pearls before swine." (When she and Clare Boothe Luce were entering a room, Clare hung back, saying, "Age before beauty"; Dorothy swept into the room with this retort.)

• "That woman speaks 18 languages and can't say 'no' in any of them."

• If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

• If all the girls at Yale prom were laid end to end, I wouldn't be at all suprised.

• Ducking for apples - change one letter and it's the story of my life.

• This is not a book to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

• Excuse me, I have to go to the ladies room. Actually, I need to make a telephone call, I was just too embarassed to say.

• You can lead a horticulture, but you cannot make her think. (When challenged to use the word "horticulture" in a sentence.)

• The two most precious words in the English language are "Check enclosed."

• I've been too fucking busy, and vice versa.

• When a famous actress walked by the Roundtable group at the Algonquin, someone said, "There goes So & So. She is her own worst enemy." Dorothy Parker quipped, "Not while I'm alive."

Commonly misattributed

• Upon my honor
  I saw a Madonna
  Reclining in a niche
  Above the door
  Of the favorite whore
  Of the world's worst son of a bitch.
  • Said to have been written in the guest-book of Hearst Castle , referring to the room occupied by Hearst 's mistress, Marion Davies . Parker always denied it, pointing out that she would never have rhymed "honor" with "Madonna".

Note: A great many misquotations are attributed to Mrs. Parker. Please carefully verify the provenance of any quotations you believe should be ascribed to her.

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